


Only He Knows

by Catclaw



Series: Dirty Little Secret [20]
Category: The Used
Genre: Other, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-16
Updated: 2007-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9109894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catclaw/pseuds/Catclaw
Summary: Based on the 'secrets' in the All American Reject's video for Dirty Little Secrets.This secret: I miss feeling close to GodCan be (and in fact should be) read as a stand alone.





	

I miss feeling close to God. When I was child it was so easy to believe that he was out there looking over me, protecting me and those that I cared for. It was only when I started to reach my teens that the clear cut black and white of belief faded to grey.

I started to question things, though, funnily enough, the existence of God wasn’t among my doubts. No, somehow I still knew he was out there and that hasn’t changed as the years have passed. Instead I questioned the things that He allowed to happen and the things that He decided to do. And I was never given a straightforward answer, no, it was always ‘you’re not God, therefore you couldn’t possibly understand what he decides to do.’ That’s not an answer, that’s a cop out and I said as much to those that told me that.

And if it wasn’t bad enough that I was openly disagreeing with what the good book said, I got myself mixed up in alcohol, drugs and music. My parents saw the Devil in me, or so they said. They decreed that I had to change my ways. So I slept around, mainly with men as it seemed to upset my parents more. Not that I ever told them outright, I just left huge hints that I was indulging in that sort of behaviour. And when they’d finally had enough, when I wasn’t such a pious little boy anymore, they kicked me out.

Even if I cleaned up my ways, got sober, got off the drugs, I’d still be gay. I love Quinn so much and I’ll never be ashamed of that, but I just wish that it didn’t drive me further away from my God. And I hate that feeling.

I miss the security of believing that everything will be alright as long as you pray for it. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn’t believe in the existence of God. Then it wouldn’t matter that I feel so separated from Him. The choices I made and will make wouldn’t matter so much.

I still pray, and it feels so hypocritical. It seems like I’ve rejected God in every aspect of my life, but I still pray, I still ask for help, when in truth I know that I don’t deserve it.

To be young again. When everything was so easy. And I was so close to God.


End file.
